When the Past Changes in the Future

When I was in elementary school (and some middle school), my entire summer vacations were spent at my grandparents' home. They lived a few hours from us on an 80 acre farm. The house was the nicest one in the majority of the township....2 story, 4 bedrooms, huge picture window in the front...2 bathrooms. For its 1970 build, it was pretty extravagant. I would be there the weekend school got out until 2 weeks before school started.

I would spend a lot of time following my grandpa around. He was a carpenter by day and farmer by night and weekends. In fact, he built the house and all outbuildings (with the exception of the old barn). I rode the haywagon when they were baling hay. I went shopping with my grandma many days, too. Sometimes we'd go to the House of Flavors (ice cream parlor) for lunch (that was a true favorite) or we'd go to a local (state) chain which focused on mostly homemade food. When I was in 4th grade, she took me to a REAL jewelry store to get my ears pierced. Of course, that was before places like Claire's, etc existed. Every Sunday, we'd take a drive somewhere. It didn't matter where. Sometimes we'd drive a half hour or so to a neighboring small town. No matter where we went, my grandpa always made sure we stopped at the local ice cream joint (usually a soft serve place like Dairy Queen, but this was before Dairy Queen, I believe). I had amazing grandparents. I was super-spoiled, but at the same time, I was expected to help with dishes, vacuum, beds, and even mow. I wasn't worked to death..I just needed to help. Whenever my grandpa went to put gas in the car at night (so we'd have it the next day), I'd go and I'd come home with a few things of candy.

My grandfather died in 1990 when I was 18. My grandmother and my uncle (unmarried and farmed) stayed in the house. It went into some disrepair because my uncle wasn't handy and my grandma (probably) didn't want to spend the money. I don't really don't know the reasoning. It wasn't an eyesore and everything was still neat as a pin on the grounds. It was still the nicest one in the Township (it is kind of a redneck, backwoods area).

My grandmother died in 2011. My mother had control of the estate and she sold the house and land. This is a whole other story from hell, but it was sold to someone who lives a few miles from them and also farms. I haven't been back by it since 2012 when all the closing of the house went through, but thanks to Google Maps, I was able to go street-level and see the view I always saw from the road and even coming down the road to it. It was just over a hill....and it stood out like a sore thumb. The anticipation of of going to my grandma's was always immense.

To this day, the street-level view is the same. It says it is from 2009. I am so thankful for that (ten years later) because the satellite view isn't as pleasant. It just looks like it is really run down (not surprising with the type of person that bought it). I would be absolutely devastated to see it in shambles in person and from street level. My heart aches enough as it is seeing it from the satellite view. It looks like much of the barbed-wire/electric fencing has been taken down. The dirt road that went to the back has changed its path. It's so hard to see something that was always a constant (and a great one, at that) change...it's like erasing everything of my past and I REALLY don't like that. Yes, I always have that experience in my head and I will hold on fiercely to it, but seeing it changed...left to go into more disrepair....it's like spitting on a grave.

I miss my grandparents...still....and fiercely. I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to handle seeing that 80 acres for what it is today be it in person or via Google.

I am watching a PBS Christmas fundraiser thing hosted by Marion Ross and Gavin MacLeod (from Love Boat). As they conversed, I heard one ask, "What was your favorite Christmas gift as a child?". That sent me thinking about Christmases when I was a child. I don't know if I have a favorite gift, per se, but I have one of my most favorite moments.

At my grandmother's house on Christmas, we never did gifts until the evening...I have no idea why, but it was just the way it was. This would all take place after the big formal dinner which was late afternoon-ish. Then, after dinner, you get the damn Christmas desert and coffee and lots of chatter at the table. It was a killer for me. The pure agony of having to wait longer was unbearable. One Christmas, my grandfather and left the table and went into the formal living room. It was a room with a large Curtis Mathis TV and beautiful live Christmas Tree. One dared NOT to eat or drink in that room or even walk in it with shoes on. Anyway, my grandfather sat in a LaZboy chair and put the foot rest up and laid it back. One thing I wanted more than ANYTHING when I was a kid was a record player. Of course, in the 70s, that was the thing (unless you had an 8 track player) and even into the 80s before cassettes were big. I was dying I was so anxious, but still in the formal dining room was chatter. My grandpa's eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn't sleeping. I got really close to him and whispered to him. "Grandpa". He answered with a "what?". I said, "Grandpa....what's in the packages?" He laughed and wouldn't tell me. I said, "Grandpa!!! Did I get a record player??". It was like he couldn't contain his excitement, either. He shook his head, smiled really big, and said, "Yes!". Sure enough, when the chatter stopped in the dining room and everyone gathered into the living room, I did, indeed, get my record player. Along with it, was a Disco Mickey record!


I don't think I will ever forget that moment with my grandfather <3

Schools Should REALLY Examine Themselves.....

Before we moved out here to BFE, we were in a wealthier district. There were about 250 kids per grade so it wasn't small, but it sure wasn't inner-city ghetto, either. Of course, those teachers were INSANE liberals (over the top), but they have been in the district for a long time and were great (most of the time) with kids. Parental support was amazing. I remember when one of the elementary schools had to stagger holiday party days because they couldn't accommodate all the cars (from parents) in their parking lot at one time! They have (ok...HAD because MSTEP has taken them down as it has other schools) amazing test scores, high graduation rates, a VERY successful football team, and their band is heavily involved in competitions, etc.

We moved to a smaller district that is kind of rural. There are about 70 kids in a grade. You would think this district would have it easy to be successful, but...it's not successful by any means. In fact, their graduation rate is one of the lowest in our tri-county area. This is the arm-pit of the county filled with mostly blue-collar families (which isn't necessarily good or bad) and a 40% rate of students eligible to receive free or discounted lunches. Their football team hasn't one game in YEARS. In fact, this past fall, one area team who went to state finals pulled out of their date to play our school. LOL They would've STEAMROLLED our team. Instead, they chose to play an equal team that was more their league. LOLOL Their basketball team sucks. This is one of those schools you NEVER see on sports news on the local TV stations.

And then there is the band. Good God, I just cannot wrap my mind around this. The director is nice enough, for sure. In fact, he meshes so well with these kids. However, this band sucks, too. I am not even kidding. I remember hearing them for one of the first times. They played a piece that was a popular song and has a pretty decent moving tempo. This band played it slower. WHY????? WHYY!!!!!!!! It may be the same reason they play Sleigh Ride at a crawling tempo, as well. It's TOO HARD for these kids to play it where it SHOULD be played. Quite honestly, I don't know if this band could play ANYTHING as it should be. I think there are a NUMBER of issues going on here. Aside from the fact this school is just an unsuccessful school, you have to look at the demographics. When you attend a school function, you are going to find camo clothing as if it were the latest and greatest fad. I am sure none of them have ever heard of the name Mary Kay. I saw one guy come to a function in his WADERS. W A D E R S..... AND the whole 9 yards with the overalls.
I think it was the same night I saw another fuck who thought it was ok to bring their large dog. Nope. Not a service dog..just their damn pet. Unreal. So, anyway, you have a high amount of brainless rednecks who brag about the fact their 3rd great-grandparents also went to this school. These people are born and raised here and never LEAVE. They quit school to do backyard mechanics...I swear. Parents don't care about their kids here. So there is problem one. Then let's look at the staff. I truly believe in the trickle-down theory. Do you think staff is going to give a shit if parents don't? Perhaps. But that goes away quickly when you have to deal with these dirtbags. Eventually, teachers don't care. In fact, this school district has a HIGH turnover rate. My daughter started high school this year and had no spanish teacher. Nope. Not one. I think middle school was missing a science teacher (or maybe that was high school...or I wouldn't be surprised if it were BOTH!). They lost a math teacher after only 2 years. I've heard rumors teachers have walked off their job in this district (before we got here). They have a teacher who doubles as an athletic coach. This teacher has read a student's doctor notice to the entire team....clearly, violating HIPAA. We've been out here for three years and we've had three different principals..LOLOL You get the point.

Back to band. Yes, this is going to be a "when I was in band in school" moment. Band was NOT a blow-off class back in the 80s. In fact, one year, I had a written final exam. That aside, we did testing. We were expected to know the music...LEARN the music and PRACTICE the music. You then were TESTED on this music and subsequently placed in the appropriate chair. It was based on ability. Even after placement, you could easily challenge the chair ahead of you to try and take their chair! Bottom line is...we were given a reason to practice. We were motivated to do well because we wanted higher chairs (fun fact: I was first chair and nobody challenged me...;0)). Now I KNOW, I am not director here in this school, but this band is NOT put into chairs. I've been told they don't even do testing. SOOOOO...do they get grades just for showing up??? Is that how that works? No wonder these kids suck. They have no reason TO DO well and they don't WANT to do well. It's all disgusting to me. They don't do competitions, either. They do festival and that's it. That's ALL! Oh, they do go to Disney every 4 years forcing parents to try and raise nearly 2000 dollars so their non-caring kid can take a joyride to Florida. The SAME DISTRICT THAT HAS A HIGH POVERTY RATE. This band has a decent amount of money in their checkbook. Enough to send EVERY kid to Florida, but that's not the point. If parents weren't forking out this large ass check, this band could go somewhere EVERY YEAR and it would be a helluva lot easier to swallow that price tag over Florida. But nooooo......there is a hard-on for Disney and these music classes their for a band that SUCKS and DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT about band! It's unreal. But, who am I?

Tonight, my daughter and I went to a neighboring districts concert. This band (all three we heard) was JAW-DROPPING. I nearly fell out of my chair! Even the middle school was remarkable. My daughter kept whispering me, "Take me. I don't care what chair I am in....I need to be here". I told her, "You better really think about this because these kids could be shittier (as in bitchy/bullies/etc than what you are already exposed to". She didn't seem to care. The district we went to tonight is comparable to the one we left three years ago. It's a wealthier area, but does tend to get inner-city kids because they are closer. It's probably as large as our old district, but the parental support and turnout is outstanding. Clearly, someone is doing something right in this music program because these kids are extremely talented.

When You Don't Fit the School.....

My daughter is heavily into band as I was when I was in high school (yea, eons ago). She is taking private lessons with a doctorate student at MSU and let me tell you, her lesson teacher is AMAZINGLY talented.

The high school we are in doesn't have a great music program. The band director is nice enough...he's very good with the kids, but this band is TERRIBLE. I hate saying that because it's a group my daughter plays in, but in today's world, there is no reason to as bad as they are. The band director does not put these kids into chairs....at least not based on ability/talent. He does it mostly by seniority. That means, even if you are better than a senior, it generally wont' matter because you will still get a lower part and chair. I don't think this band director even does testing. I mean, what would be the point if he isn't going to put them in chairs by ability, anyway? I wonder how he decides grades for report cards. Interesting. We have contemplated leaving the school district and doing school of choice. There is a similar school (same socio-economic demographics...lower and higher poverty) that has a GREAT band! I saw some of their YouTube videos of their marching performances AND their concert performances. They are outstanding. I would NOT send my child there, either, due to the same type of school, though (our district it just bad, though very, very small). There is another district that is about 8 miles away that is a higher-socioeconomic area. It is a wealthier area, for sure, and they, as well, have an amazing band. I've heard great things about them, as well. The only problem I'm concerned about is how it might be from a social standpoint for my daughter. She is in 9th grade and the district is pretty big. That's a tough age. But, as I explained to my daughter, if you want to be a music major in college, you've GOT to be in a great program in high school. I didn't have that luxury. I didn't go to a ghetto school or a smaller rural school...we were class C and I had about 130 kids in my class. We weren't as bad as my daughter's school is, but the priority in our school district was athletics and not music...at all. So when I got to college and auditioned for their marching band, I BARELY made it. At the college level, students march backwards, forwards, sideways, and all different kinds of funky ways that I never did. It was tough so I truly believe that a successful music program would be very beneficial for that high school student.

Anyway, I attended my first band booster meeting tonight. Let's just say, I TRULY don't fit in with these people AT ALL. I had my hair done, makeup on, I had on nice jeans, a cute mock turtleneck sweater, earrings, penny loafers. These people didn't. Some looked like they crawled out of bed. But, I wouldn't expect much more from this community. Hell, I saw some loser take a pet DOG to a performance. I saw another at a performance that had waders (like rubber boots) up to their knees. That's great if that is part of your job, but you don't change your clothes before you go to a show? It's not my thing. I do not fit in with these people. It was still very interesting to be in this meeting. They have a shitload of money in their general fund for a district that sees a 40% rate for free/reduced lunches. What they do with it, I have no idea because they are not spending it on competitions or anything like that. I asked if they had ever given scholarships to students so they could attend Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp or Interlochen (kids who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend). You know what they said to me? "well, we've never done that in the past". OK..well, never mind then. They also go to Disney every 4 years. That trip will cost each student 1200 PLUS spending money (estimated at 500 bucks). They shove all these fundraiser at these kids and tell them to go sell candles and seeds (to plant). Yea, right. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't want that garbage. ' With the money they have, they could go somewhere EVERY YEAR and perform versus every 4 years at Disney. No, my child is not going. All you have to do is Google Dean Transportation bus driver and you will find a number of reasons why my kids do not ride their school buses AND WILL NEVER take one of their charter busses anywhere....especially on a few thousand mile trip down 75 the week of spring break. PASS.

I don't get it, but this school doesn't exactly share my values or care to hear other ideas. If my daughter does want to go on to be a music major, we are absolutely going to have to utilize school of choice and get her into a better music program.

Your Past May Not Be What You Thought It Was

My heart is so heavy right now. It's no secret that I used to spend my entire summer vacations as a kid at my grandparents'. They lived on 80 acres of pure farmland. I was spoiled to a degree, for sure, but I was always expected to "stay in line". That meant that I was to help with dishes, mowing, making beds, etc. It's what EVERY kid my age did back then. We didn't know entitlement. We knew DISCIPLINE. As much as you wouldn't think it would be a good time, it sure was, for the most part. I was so soooo blessed to have been able to do that. My grandfather died when I was 18 in 1990. It was the first real close death I experienced and since then, I've had a number of deaths I've had to deal with. Probably one of the most impactful death I had to experience was 8 years ago. That was my grandmother. She was 89. When she was in ICU (this is another long story from hell), I never left her side unless I had to eat or get sleep. I held her hand (she was non-responsive) and I talked to her and recited so many memories I had. My grandma got my ears pierced when I was maybe 4th grade. We always went to this one bakery (it was the best) for bread. We would frequent the Ben Franklin Dime Store and go to lunch after. One summer, my grandma gave me the money from her garage sale so I could buy my very first 10 speed bike. That was a HUGE deal as a kid back in the 80s.



I rode tractors with my grandfather, rode on hay wagons when it was time to bale hay...and perhaps my favorite was to walk the woods at the end of the 80 acres to check fences (cattle used to go into the woods). Every Sunday, my grandma, grandpa, and I would take a drive somewhere. It could be 10 miles down the road or 45 minutes down the rode...we always went somewhere. Usually, that "somewhere" had an ice cream joint like Dairy Queen. Of COURSE, my grandpa insisted on stopping. He was always great like that! Summer nights were filled with the sounds of Detroit Tigers baseball games on TV with the TV turned out towards the screened in porch. I'd hear the baseball game and the bug zapper simultaneously. It really didn't get any better than that.

It was no wonder that I had this overwhelming need to make sure I got everything out of that house when my grandma died. I had to have the cuckcoo clock that always ticked 24 hours a day (It was my great-great aunt's). I had to have ALL the old pictures. I took her Mix Master, the Blue Ridge dishes, her jewelry, the afghan that her neighbor made before I was born (but always used it as a kid). I had to have the stupid knick knacks she had, her wedding pictures, the penny kettle on top of the refrigerator, the old lock box (which turned out to be a gold mine of original civil war papers of my great-great grandfather). If it reminded me of my childhood, I took it. In hindsight, I wish I would've taken more. I hold hard and fast to the things I love the most.

Then tonight. My parents went out of town to a bed and breakfast for Thanksgiving. They've done this for the past few years despite my protests. It hurts to see them leave. But tonight. Tonight, my husband told me he talked with my mother early Thursday morning. My husband told me she told my mother we invited my uncle over for dinner (he has late-onset schizophrenia and is highly odd, but doing much better since he has started working a job). Apparently, my mother was happy we were doing that. But then...my mother told him WHY she leaves. Supposedly, she didn't have a great childhood. Apparently, my grandmother could be very mean and I "have no idea what went on". This was extremely overwhelming to hear. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to even react. My grandmother was mean? I don't know that I've seen my grandmother exactly "mean" when I lived there all summer. My grandma would sometimes tease me about my weight in a "joking" way. She would even say to me (and in a more negative tone), "You look just like your dad". That one probably impacted me the most. My biological dad was a drunken dead-beat. I knew him since I was maybe 10, but he was mostly in and out of my life. Being told I look just like him sent me the message that it wasn't a good thing so I truly felt shitty. Still, it wasn't enough for me to hate my grandma...it wasn't enough for me to not be at her side in ICU (my mother wasn't...but I think that was mostly because she couldn't emotionally handle it). It wasn't enough for me to leave her own cherished possessions inside a house being sold. It wasn't enough for me to not love her. ...and I did....and I did hard.

I am not sure how to handle this. I am so sad and I am scared that knowing may tarnish the way I feel about my grandparents. It would change EVERYTHING that I loved dearly. I'd have to take them off my lock screen and background. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I would have to if I actually knew what all of this meant. But what if id DID mean that?? I'm sad. I am soooo sad over this. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it IS something. Maybe.

I Love a Schizophrenic

My mother's side of the family wasn't terribly affectionate. I really never noticed this as a kid because I always got hugs and kisses as most kids do. It's no surprise that my mother isn't that affectionate (never has been...) and my uncle (her brother) NEVER has been that I recall. My uncle also has late on-set Schizophrenia (started in his 40s, maybe). Although he hasn't formally been diagnosed (and obviously not medicated), it is very obvious that it is a paranoid type as he talks about "the voices" and "THEY did this". He rarely could hold an actual conversation up until he started working in the real world a few years ago. Since having more contact with other people, he's been more "normal", so to speak, but today, he came over for dinner. My parents went to out of town for Thanksgiving. They love going to this amazing bed and breakfast so it was just us here (my kids, my husband, and me). We invited my uncle over. He was very talkative which I just loved seeing. He watched football with my husband and even talked with my kids (12 and 15). My kids, like all siblings, have their love/hate moments and today, it was a hate moment. They bicker back and forth and take stabs at each other until they are blue in the face. I had to put my foot down and threaten to take their electronics away. They stopped, but NOTHING..and I mean NOTHING...could prepare me for what I witnessed next. My uncle bent down to my son's level (he was sitting in a chair) and put a hand on his back. He said, "You only have one sister....and one day you are going to love her as much as I love mine." Mic drop. I think my heart stopped for a moment.

Re-Do Shuffle

(11/13/2019 (So, I thought I would re-do this one to maybe update the random shuffle) >>>Day one consists of randomly shuffling tunes on my iphone up to 10...and what I feel about them. ALWAYS up for talking about music!! :)

1. If I'm Not in Love With You-Faith Hill. OK..seriously. Why is this on my phone? I am not a fan of her. Time to get rid of it. Kathy Troccoli's version is much better (and older).

2. If You Leave by OMD. Classic 80s tune from the movie Pretty in Pink. Two of my teachers took a couple of us to see the movie one Saturday. It was awesome!!

3. Days Are Numbers by The Allan Parsons Project. Yea, remember this one? It isn't one you hear anymore ANYWHERE. I liked it when it was current and then one summer (1987), I went to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. This was back when they had tents and if you didn't get your app in early enough, you were stuck in the tents. In complete hindsight, the tents were THE BEST. They were sturdy with actual floors. Anyway...I was in my tent one day and I heard a girl next to our tent playing this on her clarinet. She had me at Alan Parsons Project and she became my best friend at camp.

4. Somewhere in the Night by Barry Manilow. So, let's be honest here. Being a Manilow fan in today's world is NOT common unless you are a bit older. When I was 6 (1978), I LOVED playing with the record player and I put my mother's "Greatest Hits" album by Barry on that record player FREQUENTLY. If you are familiar with this album, then you know there is a GREAT picture of him in the middle of the album (it opens like a book). As a 6 year old, I absolutely DID kiss that picture!!! Sorry, not sorry! :)


5. I'm So Excited by The Pointer Sisters. This became a favorite when I started working for CK105 in Flint. The night before my first day, I cranked this tune. To this day, it reminds me of my first day at that station. Great times!


6. Cold As Ice by Foreigner. We all know Foreigner is a GREAT band! This song became a favorite in 1987 when I was at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. I was not placed in a cabin, but in their tents. The tents weren't like the ones you would go camping in. They were VERY roomy and made with a very, very, heavy canvas. The wooden floor was thick and sat up off the ground. It was very roomy and we never had problems with being too hot (like the cabins), weren't as filthy as the cabins...it was a COMPLETE blast! Anyway, one morning after we our morning rehearsal, my friend and I had headed back to our tent to get a short nap in before we had to go to our next class. My little clock radio alarm went off when we had to get up and this song was the one that was playing. We laughed and laughed because, that morning, it WAS VERY cold for July!!! Hey..we were 9th graders. We were easily entertained.


7. Hold Me Til The Morning Comes by Paul Anka. You know how you hear music when you are in a grocery store or dept store or the like?? This is where I heard this song for the first time. I was working in a deli at a grocery store when I was like 20 years old. That is how I became aware of this tune and quite honestly, I don't know that I've heard it anywhere else other than there (or on a SiriusXM channel). I loved this instantly! Peter Cetera's background vocals truly made this one even more awesome. Call me a geek. This isn't the only song I've come to know and love courtesy of the overhead music in that store! Gloria Estefan's "I See Your Smile" was another that became a fave.


8. What Kind Of Man Would I Be by Chicago. Chicago is one of my all-time favorites! I saw them in concert 16 years ago and although they were old men now, they were absolutely AMAZING. A big draw is their use of actual band instruments...trumpet, trombone, etc. This one became a favorite when I was going out with a particular person when I was in high school. I've got to say that he was probably my very first love. Although I never see him anymore nor have I talked to him in maybe 18 years (and that was brief), he will always have a special place in my memories.




9. Sweet Life by Paul Davis. It's an old song, but it became a MUST when my daughter turned one. I put together a slideshow of her through the first year and this was one of the songs I had in the background of that slideshow. The lyrics are just too close to home and it will ALWAYS remind me of her.


10. Jump by Kris Kross. 1992!! I swear the 90s were full of some amazing music! I recall one day I was sitting in the car when my mother ran into a store. I was 20 years old. It was a beautiful sunny day and I had the window completely down with this one cranked. I looked up and about 15 feet away from me was a store employee gathering shopping carts from the parking lot. This kid started dancing in a hip hop way and singing along with the music like I was doing!! LOL I want to be 20 again!!

Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone....

In my mid 20s, I decided to go back to school for law-enforcement. Radio wasn't the most stable industry to be in at the time and I had taken an interest in criminal justice. While in school for it, I took a paid "internship" a local department and that experience was completely priceless. I ended up transferring somewhere in a different city after about a year and had to leave that department.

I moved back to the area a few years later and reconnected with one officer I worked with. She was a great mentor and a very caring friend and our kids played together. Life was good. Being a police officer, my friend was a strong person and didn't hesitate to say what was on her mind. That was a factor in distancing myself around 2013. It is no secret I tend to cut people out of my life for something as stupid as spilled milk and that is what I did here. My husband had left his Facebook page open and I saw where she had sent him a message about my "parenting" skills. It's not exactly spilled milk, but I didn't even take the time to question it. I was done.

I am now 47 years old, still married, and my kids are in middle and high school. I have also been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis so when I am not hauling my kids around from place to place, I am home. One of the things I have started to keep on is the obituaries. Pretty depressing, isn't it? The older I get, the more death I see. This last week, I missed a few days of obituaries because of some schedules being off, but one day, I sat down to catch up (damn, morbid am I?). I scrolled through and suddenly, I felt a knife go through my heart. I stopped breathing. I had to re-read it again and again. My friend. My friend that was a mentor in law-enforcement. My friend whose kids played with mine. My friend I cut out of my life.

I sent it to my husband who was also in disbelief. Then, he sent me a screenshot of a message she sent him 2 years ago. She asked about me. She specifically asked about me. Me...the person who cut her out 4 years prior.

I bawled. I bawled and bawled. It was at that moment I realized I didn't hate her at all. I LOVE HER and I MISSED HER. I bawled some more.

A short time before I cut her, I cut another friend for doing, pretty much, the same thing that friend 1 did. The thought of friend 2 dying was just wayyyy too much for me. That night, I sent a private message on FB to her. She was so receptive to someone who didn't deserve a chance: me. We are friends again.

Yesterday was friend 1's funeral. I thought I had the crying done until I walked into this school where the funeral was. There was a couple of people at the entry door and one was holding a box of Kleenex. I assumed she was there to help others get seated, etc and the Kleenex was for anyone who needs them so I didn't hesitate to take 3-4 of them as I started bawling again. In hindsight, she could've just been a person there for the funeral and the box was hers....and I just helped myself. Oh well. If it was a personal box, I hope she understands.

As I walked to the back seating (it was a full house) slobbering away, I saw a police officer in uniform sitting alone. Then I saw his patch (department) and realized who it was. It was another PO that used to be at the dept I was a cadet at. This PO was probably one of the best PO's I have ever had the privilege of working with. I hadn't seen him in 20 years and seeing him brought a sense of "relief", so to speak. Comfort in numbers? He didn't recognize me, but I told him who I was, he got right up and hugged me. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you what that meant to me. I am a cold-hearted bitch on the outside, but inside, I love..and I love with all my being. This man was of a a "group" of POs that kind of hung together. I had been on many outings with the group...barhopping, etc. They were tight, amazing people, and a group I truly admired from a professional standpoint and a personal standpoint. That PO I saw sitting at the funeral said, "I saw you walking in and I thought, "I hope she doesn't sit next to me because she is already crying!"" I laughed and took a seat with the friend I went with and my daughter behind him. Then I saw 2 more people walk in and headed towards the back where we were. It was another PO I worked with and his wife (whom I was also friends with back in the day). I hadn't seen them for like 17 years. They, as well, didn't recognize me but the PO didn't hesitate to hug me when he saw me. During the funeral, I heard him crying. I couldn't stop crying. Even my daughter, who was only like 7 when she saw the deceased last, was bawling. It was such an incredibly sad event. We saw 2 others that worked for the dept that I knew. It may seem strange to say, but there as a lot of comfort in that. And then we had to go home.

I had so much emptiness after leaving the funeral. Even at home that night, I still felt....empty. I was sad and I didn't feel "complete". I chalked it up to being extremely tired (it was a very early day) and having an emotionally exhausted day. And then, even after I slept 12 hours, I woke up still empty. Still sad and really wanting to see the people I saw yesterday again. I missed them, too...I miss my job in law-enforcement. I walked away from it in 2000 because of a bad experience (really bad dept) when I moved away. I went back to radio broadcasting and walked away from that when my daughter was born. I have isolated myself partly by choice and partly by circumstance and I hate it. What I wouldn't give for a complete redo with so many things.

I took so much away from the minister's sermon yesterday not only about life, but about my friend. I have started to make some changes in my life to help control my RA...those changes, unexpectedly, have led to other positive results. Between that and the sermon yesterday, I am motivated to live the best life I can. To be the best person I can. The RA treatment doesn't make me immune to some other impacts of RA, but I want to do the best I can do under the circumstances. My friend left a huge mark on this Earth....I want to do that, as well...just as my friend did.
Don't know what you've got, til it's gone.

Date unknown, other people in picture unknown, LEO is my friend. Picture courtesy of MTPD

30 Day Challenge.....Day 2 Middle Name

Both my first and middle name came from direct relatives. My middle name is Louise. It was my maternal grandmother's middle name, as well :)

Day 1 of 30 Day Challenge...the TUNES!

Day one consists of randomly shuffling tunes on my iphone up to 10...and what I feel about them. ALWAYS up for talking about music!! :)

1. Baby, Baby, Baby by TLC. TLC takes me back to the early 90s..a GREAT time in my life. This song has an amazing bass and cranks REALLY well in the car:)

2.Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain. Late 90s....just a FUN tune easy to sing with...empowering, too! :)

3.What Kind of Man Would I Be? by Chicago. Oh boy. Late 80s...89/90ish. I remember totally being into this one when I was going out with Dan spring 1990. For a long time, it solely reminded me of him, but then as life went on, I was able to relate other things to the song's meaning. Truly one of my all time favorites.

4.It Feels Good by Tony! Toni! Tone! SCREAMING high school!!!! I am thinking senior year...going to East Lansing with friends....it brings back many feelings of way back then. To this day, it's one I will crank if it comes up in the car. Yea, I look like a dorky mom with the windows down and crusty music up, but I don't care!!! :)

5. A Little Respect--Erasure. Even though this was more 80s, I was really into this entire album in the early 90s. Erasure reminds me of my friend from high school (and I still talk with her), Heather... I always smile when I think of her...we had some great times and even though she lives across the world, I still love her to pieces.

6. Feenin' by Jodeci. I never really knew too much about Jodeci until the early 90s. I am thinking 92-93ish. A friend and I went to Sparty's (a bar) and a guy I really was into was also there. One of Jodeci's songs came on (I can't recall if it was Feenin' or Cry For You, but they are both great!) and this guy asked me to dance. That dance was ELECTRIC. I am not EVEN kidding. It was like cosmic...I felt in another world....and I think he felt it, as well, as he found us in the parking lot later and was all giddy about it LOL! Ohhhh...to be 20 something again!!!

7. Fire and Rain by James Taylor This is a VERY bitter sweet one. And I mean REALLY. There are times I cannot even keep it on if it comes on the radio or shows up in shuffle on my phone. A coworker from a PD I worked with brought over a James Taylor one night....this particular song he said he LOVED and then was trying to analyze it. I will never forget that night. He died maybe 10 years later.

8. Dance With Me by Orleans. SCREAMING 70s!!!!! Both this one and "Still the One" take me STRAIGHT back to my childhood..and I mean EARLY childhood. I remember distinctly driving in the car with my mom and hearing Orleans on the AM radio. And yes, I was sitting unbuckled in the front seat with her...hahaha. I LOVE songs that can take my that far back into memories. Bring it!

9.I Try by Macy Gray. I will admit, I HATED this song. HATED it. When it first came out, I was in radio and it played CONSTANTLY. Nails down a chalkboard. One afternoon, I went into the studio to discuss some things with my then program director (I always loved to talking with him)...Macy Gray was one tune that came on during that time (imagine that). Since then, it reminds me of that day.

10. The Cross by Prince. I first purchased this tape (oh yes...CASSETTE TAPE) in Chicago while on a band trip. Paid like $18 bucks back then, but it was the BEST album EVER. That was in spring of 1988 (I believe). In the fall of 1990, I went away to college. A roommate of mine happened to LOVE Prince as much as I loved him. My roommate also had Lupus. She was REALLY sick with Lupus and had always told me that when she dies, she wanted this song played at her funeral (This one and "The Ladder" by Prince). I don't know if that ever happened because when she died a few months later, I home sick with mono so I wasn't able to go. :( I will NEVER forget her and this song will ALWAYS have special meaning.

Mortality and Grief

I've posted before about my grandmother passing and how difficult it had been to deal with. I've posted about my out of this world experience of being at her side while she died. That experience changed my life.

I have a friend whose dad is dying of cancer. He recently has been admitted to hospice, though he is pretty upbeat and still jokes around. I cannot imagine being in this situation with a parent. I've always said that when my mother dies, prepare to dig a hole next to her because that is where I will be shortly thereafter. Yes, that is how hard it WILL be.

But what I've learned is the power of faith is extraordinary. I would not consider myself a "Bible thumper" by any means, however I saw God at work while I was with my grandma. I felt God at work. God gave me strength I never even knew I COULD have. Out of nowhere, my fears left me when I saw my grandma in that hospital bed unresponsive and zombie-like. She knew I was there and squeezed my hand, but she could not open her eyes even though she tried. My usual self would've expected me to curl up in a ball in a corner and bawl my eyes out avoiding seeing her like the plague. That would've been the self-fish and self-centered thing I would've done out of fear and pain. But instead, I went right to her side and stayed there as if it were an instinct and I've done it numerous times (which I never have).

Over two years later, I still can cry at the mere mention of my grandma. I miss her terribly. She still appears in my dreams at night, but I've taken SO much comfort in known I was there for her. I was there to help her, to talk with her, etc at a time when we are most vulnerable and in need. I take comfort in known that my grandma was not afraid to die. She's told me that NUMEROUS times in the past. What I experienced with nothing short of a miracle. Yes, DEATH is a miraculous experience. I felt it. I SAW it. I KNOW there is something more after we die. My grandma left us right after we gave her permission to go. It was within MINUTES after we got back to the hospital in the morning. She hung on. She knew she was going to die and held on before letting go. Why would this happen if she didn't see more after death? I TRULY believe she saw her parents, siblings, friends, my grandfather.

I take SO much comfort in knowing this. I feel amazingly closer to her than I ever have before. I can't explain it, really, but just can tell you to TRUST ME.

AWOL

It's been nearly a couple of months since an entry...primarily because I am just plain TIRED ALL of the time. Combo of sugar/insulin and Celiac Disease. I was doing fine with being gluten-free, but then Chick-Fil-A happened right after New Year's when we were in a different state!! LOL I am a SUCKER for that stuff! I promised to be straight from there on out, but I was never good with promises.

My husband also recently lost his job of 15 years. FIFTEEN years and they just dropped him on his ass. Not surprising, really. They knew he was applying internally for advancement. Because the office he was in consisted solely of 3 people, they couldn't afford to lose him. They gave him a 10K raise (RED FLAG) and tossed him a manager title they eliminated 4 years ago. Almost two months later: BUH BYE.

Moral of the story: If it looks like a fish and it smells like fish, IT IS FISHY. (and never work for the company that bought Detroit Ball Bearing).

It was weird....a little grieving, but this is finally an open door to do what we really want to do: GET OUT OF THIS STATE! I am not mentioning where at the moment, but they don't get snow and the sun shines all but maybe 10 days of the year. THAT is what I want. And looking at how many jobs that post a day in that location: JUST WOW. When one door opens, another closes...and I, for one, am STOKED. Do I shake the old boss' hand? I'd LOVE TO SO. :)

We've already started purging in the house. I am in AWE at how much STUFF accumulates over 10 years. Take my advice! If you haven't touched it in the past year, CLEAR IT OUT. It makes life SO much easier. I've completely come to understand where the clothes moths have come from in the attic area. YIKES.

I just don't think this is going to be an quick move.....and that really isn't good for the impatient types: ME.

Sandy Hook, Connecticut

The day started out a little differently today as it was. Normally, because of an iron deficiency and Celiac Disease, I sleep until whenever I wake up and get out of bed. This morning, however, I had a 1030 appointment. Right before I left home, I saw a headline that mentioned a school shooting in Connecticut. I didn't take any time to read about it as I was heading out the door and besides, let's be honest: this isn't an uncommon thing to hear about any longer in our society.

I feel SICK even SAYING that: "...it isn't an uncommon thing to hear about....".

Are we becoming "immune" to tragedies of innocent people?


I will be straight out and honest. Although upon reading the headline, I thought, "Another shooting? That sucks" and out the door I went. But what I didn't realize was the magnitude of this incident and the impact it would have on MYSELF.

It was almost 1130 when I finally was able to get out of the doctor's office. Because my husband asked me to, I called him when I was done. That is when I heard a little more about this shooting. At this point, I believe he told me they were only saying about 4 confirmed dead.


I needed to run to Hobby Lobby for a few things so after I was done talking to my husband, I headed that way. All the way there, I listened to Fox News on Sirius XM. The more I learned, the worse I realized this was becoming. It was in the scrapbook paper aisle looking for a news stream on the iphone when I came across a headline that gave an ASTOUNDING number of deaths. At that point, it was about 18 total, but it was COMPLETELY enough for me to go over the edge.

It was right there and then I started crying. Maybe it was the number of deaths? Maybe it was that it was a school? Maybe the fact that while Sandy Hook just lost their principal, our principal's last day is NEXT Friday? Could it be the fact these kids are the same age as my son? Or maybe it was the fact this school, Sandy Hook, is VERY similar to the school my own children attend. Sandy Hook is rated a 10 on Great Schools' website. The schools in my kids' district are also at 9s and 10s in an affluent area.

My blood sugar started dropping (very wrong timing), but all I wanted to do was see my kids. I was sweating, shaking, desperately trying to finish up shopping for the things I needed, and wiping small streams of tears seeping from the corners of my eyes.

Somehow, I made it through the checkout and to the car.....called my husband again, and lost my emotions completely. I wanted to go home, but I needed to eat because of my blood sugar. I wanted to go to my kids' schools and take them home, but I didn't want to disrupt school and let the Connecticut gunman "win". I wanted to eat, but I wanted to do all of the other things I mentioned.

McDonald's was my first stop. I am "supposed" to be gluten-free due to Celiac Disease, but at that point, I didn't care. I scarfed down a regular cheeseburger and a yogurt parfait (that was Celiac Disease-friendly).

At 230, I was supposed to be at my son's school for his gingerbread house making party, but I couldn't wait that long to see my kids. On my way to school, I called my mother at work. THANK GOODNESS FOR BLUETOOTH CONNECTIONS! I was able to talk and drive at the same time.

SO, while I was hoping Mom would be able to calm me down, I kind of got the opposite.

"You need to get on that school PTA and blah blah blah school security and blah blah".

UGH. Thanks, Mom.

I pulled in first to my daughter's school at 130 (second grade is in a different building as Kindergarten). Upon entering the front door, I went to the small table outside of the office where visitors are supposed to sign in and grab a visitor badge to wear.

That was one thing that pissed me off.

I looked around and nobody from the office came out to question me about where I was going or anything like that (office is all glass walls). Should I have laughed or cried?????? UGH!

SERIOUSLY??!!!!

Once I put the pen down from signing my name, I grabbed one of the generic visitor badges that was in a pile in a box waiting for other random people to utilize. I didn't even clip it on me. I held onto the badge and proceeded to walk down the hall to my daughter's classroom.

The gym doors were open as I passed and there were kids in gym class running around. I passed what appeared to be a music class with their classroom door open. There were kids sitting in the hall at desks doing possibly makeup work. Still, not one person stopped me, asked who I was or where I was going.

SERIOUSLY??!!!

I walked right into my daughter's classroom where the kids were busy working on some math paper quietly. The teacher was at her desk looking down at something and had no idea I even entered the classroom.

It wasn't until my child said, "MOMMY!!" that her teacher even looked up to see what was happening.

UGH!

I snuck over to her teacher and told her I just really felt compelled to stop in because of the entire Connecticut thing. She looked at my completely dumbfounded and pulled me in the hall so that I could fill her in on things.

With today's technology, that school district couldn't quickly send teachers email to let them know briefly what happened to maybe be on the lookout for any weird or suspicious activity (maybe COPYCAT behavior?).

Obviously, we didn't talk about it in class, but I decided to take my daughter with me to my son's party and since it was about 2p with only about an hour left in school, it wasn't a huge deal.

NOWWWWWW........I got to my son's school and had a hard time trying to find a place to park. This school district ALWAYS has a large turnout of parents at events (which is good!). When my daughter and I walked into the front door, again, there was nobody around to question who we were or where we were going. There isn't even a sign-in sheet for visitors anywhere.

Seriously.....................

We walked down the winding hall and once again, there are open classroom doors filled with parents and students doing their gingerbread houses. I didn't see one teacher or any other school employee in the hallway and not one person questioned me, stopped me, said hi to me....NOTHING.

Seriously!??!!???

For the record, I am not psychopath killer, but who was to say that I didn't turn into a freaky mother toting a weapon?? Sure, a few people know me from school....some may have seen me around.....but they don't KNOW me and I bet most couldn't tell you whose mother I am!

WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??? WHY are people just permitted to walk the halls of school without being questioned IMMEDIATELY?

While making gingerbread houses, I looked around at the kids around me. ALL of them about 5 years old and in kindergarten. I tried to stay focused on the project at hand, but it was difficult not to think about the parents that have lost their children....the sweet and innocent children like I was amongst today.

When I asked my son's teacher if she heard about Connecticut, she hadn't, either. When I told her about it, she said, "I am so glad out school has the security it does".

Security??? Was she kidding?????

UGH!!!!

It may be time for this white momma to get involved in some PTA or get beastie and vocal on an administration building/school board.

Sandy Hook had probably one of the greatest systems. Unfortunately, somehow, someway, the suspect was able to get around it.

May God be with the people and families that are impacted in any way by this needless tragedy <3

Still time left!!

There is still time to enter to win "Catch a Falling Snowflake"! Such talent, Willa!!





Good luck to everyone!! :)

Prim Ornie Giveaway.....

I found a cute blog tonight while surfing through blogs that I already follow. Tammy made the MOST DARLING little Santa ornament and she wants to give it AWAY TO YOU!! Seriously! It's stuffed with rags and straw so it actually feels like a vintage primitive ornie :)




Head on over and check Tammy's blog out and see sweet little Santa....<3

Life Changes......

Do you believe in things such as palm reading? I remember in middle school, a classmate looked at my palm and told me my life line was "cut off"....symbolizing a "cut off" life. And when you look at that life line, it stretches down my palm, but another unknown line clearly intersects it, forming a perfect T. The life line stops right there.

From that moment, I truly always believed that my life would be shorter than average. In fact, I am actually surprised I've made it to 40. Though, it's no surprise that beginning January, midway into my 39th year, things started going downhill.

It started with the eyesight. Oh YES...the dreaded eyesight!! When the optometrist said, "BIFOCALS", I said, "Nuh huh! MY MOTHER has bifocals..NOT ME!!" But when they put those suckers on my face and presented some text, I couldn't deny the fugly truth.

Bifocals it was.

A few months later (and many blood tests later), it was PCOS and insulin resistance.

WOW. Insulin resistance. That would entail learning how to eat differently.

I guess it may not have been so bad if we were like a "normal" household. Cooking meals is a rarity. Ever since I was pregnant with my daughter, I've become extremely picky and sensitive to "textures" of food, smells, sights, etc.


My OBGYN sent me to a gastro because I had been experiencing some weird painful cramping on my sides after I eat. Doctor suggested IBS, but suggested the wonderful colonoscopy. He added the endoscopy, as well, since I do experience the reflux.

By the time the procedure rolled around, I had reached the 40 mark.

Biopsy from the endoscopy came back as CELIAC DISEASE.

Oh yes.

CELIAC DISEASE.

My mouth dropped open.

Where in the HELL did that come from?? I didn't even know I was being tested for that.


But....that's what it was. The villa were all blunted and that explained the low levels of iron and vitamin D.

Beautiful.

My first shopping trip after I was brave enough to go gluten-free resulted in tears in the middle of the store.

What a slow, complicated process of learning and, honestly, unlearning.

I became fed up, gave up, and restarted 4 weeks later.

Now I am nearly 2 weeks out of gluten free. It's been hell. And I am not going to lie about that.

There is nothing fun about this. There is nothing YUM about this. Quite honestly, I am disgusted by the food that have been made "gluten-free" such as breads, cookies, crackers, etc.

There is NOTHING good about them. In fact, even the cookies don't leave me saying, "Ugh...I just ONE MORE, please!". Nope.

I've tried the homemade baked goods from a local chef at a country club even.

Nope. Not my thing. Horrific.

So, pretty much, I'm left with eating things that are natural. Fruits, vegetables, and meats. In theory, dairy should even be left out until the intestines heal, but I don't think I can deprive myself of that.

But my one LOVE LOVE LOVE is GF Mongolian Beef from PF Changs.

I don't understand why people decide to go gluten free when they aren't medically obligated to it. I really just don't understand and I HATE THOSE people. I would completely trade places with them in a second. There is NOTHING fun about this lifestyle. NOTHING.

And let me be the first to tell you, it pisses off family members who don't understand the disease.

I experienced it first hand at Thanksgiving yesterday when my step-father swore at me with a "Je*** Ch****" as if I was just being "picky". When he "apologized", I said that he was mean and he yelled again with, "I just said I was sorry! What the hell else can I do?"

It's not an easy road. The rocky road I was trying to mend from the past with him has since uprooted again. My heart hurts and I just don't know if it can heal again. This is my health. This isn't about high school issues in the past of missing curfew, etc. This is about MY HEALTH. And I have two kids. I am 40 years old and I am not going to sit there and take it from him.

Ironically, it was my schizophrenic uncle that was the most understanding of them all.

Oh, how I miss my days as a child spending my time at my grandparents' (my uncle lived there, too).

Crafty Things.....

Been almost TWO months since a post!

Anyway, thought I would share a few layouts I had done. I don't usually share these things because compared to many layouts that are shown online, I completely SUCK! But, still...it's something I've done and I need to post...so be it!


One of my favorites is of Lucy and one of the first I did with an AWESOME tool by Zutter: Distrezz It All.






A few years back, I started getting into altering things. I started out small and have moved on to actual bigger things (furniture kind of things).

One of my first projects: clipboards! Grab one from Walmart and GO!





A small paint can turned into a pencil holder:





Another one of my first things was a paint can. Not the best picture, but I swiped this idea from a scrapbook store where I saw a finished product:






Mod Podge is a WONDERFUL thing. I also used basic skewers you can get at a dollar store and a hot glue gun. To anchor the pictures on the skewers, I took some of the green foamy floral square thingies (have NO idea what you call them) and shoved them in the bottom of the can. Swiped some shredded paper that you would use to fill a gift bag and VOILA.

Mysterious Lamp.....

As a child, I remember this lamp being in my great-grandmother's home. I didn't know her, but my great-uncle still lived there. Of course, being young, I didn't have an interest in this kind of stuff, but I really wish I had or learned more about so many of these items before my grandmother passed away.

When my great-uncle died in 1989, my grandma was hellbent on getting this lamp out of that house. It's been in her home ever since and now it resides at my mother's (I believe the table it sits on also was a part of this set, but I don't know for sure). My mother really didn't want it (she just isn't into anything that adds to "clutter"), but I insisted she take it. I wanted it, but but because my oldest child is just short of 8 years old, there was no way I would dare keep that sucker in my house.

Isn't it gorgeous? I really wish I knew more about it, but I did not see any markings that would help identify it.

Another Find at Grandma's.....

A few years back, my grandmother gave me a crock she had in the "hoghouse" (It was always known as the hoghouse, though, she never had any hogs/pigs....apparently her brother did years ago). It was a 12 gallon with the number 12 encased by a star. I think I may have identified that one, though, I can't recall now. Figures.

A few weeks back, another crock was found in that hoghouse, though, this one is a little more mysterious and difficult to track down. A VERY heavy 15 gallon'er with a clover surrounding the number.

I searched like CRAZY trying to find background on this sucker and found only one that may be it: Miller Pottery out of Georgia. Or was it Alabama? Still have not see anything else like this symbol online as far as FOR SALE goes to get a guestimate on its worth, though. Any other crock is out there, but it seems this one is a rare breed to come buy. And that's ok...I am not parting with it, by any means....I just like to know what I have ahold of. Now, what in the heck do I DO with these things now that I have them? Just keep them sitting around?

What Happens When the KIDS get the iPhone......

We took a mini-roadtrip to Mishawaka, IN this past weekend. Sometimes we just do these little "get-aways" just to do them.



While in our Residence Inn room, my daughter happened across my iPhone, I guess, because here is what I've discovered on it:)









I love these little surprises....they make me smile:)