I moved back to the area a few years later and reconnected with one officer I worked with. She was a great mentor and a very caring friend and our kids played together. Life was good. Being a police officer, my friend was a strong person and didn't hesitate to say what was on her mind. That was a factor in distancing myself around 2013. It is no secret I tend to cut people out of my life for something as stupid as spilled milk and that is what I did here. My husband had left his Facebook page open and I saw where she had sent him a message about my "parenting" skills. It's not exactly spilled milk, but I didn't even take the time to question it. I was done.
I am now 47 years old, still married, and my kids are in middle and high school. I have also been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis so when I am not hauling my kids around from place to place, I am home. One of the things I have started to keep on is the obituaries. Pretty depressing, isn't it? The older I get, the more death I see. This last week, I missed a few days of obituaries because of some schedules being off, but one day, I sat down to catch up (damn, morbid am I?). I scrolled through and suddenly, I felt a knife go through my heart. I stopped breathing. I had to re-read it again and again. My friend. My friend that was a mentor in law-enforcement. My friend whose kids played with mine. My friend I cut out of my life.
I sent it to my husband who was also in disbelief. Then, he sent me a screenshot of a message she sent him 2 years ago. She asked about me. She specifically asked about me. Me...the person who cut her out 4 years prior.
I bawled. I bawled and bawled. It was at that moment I realized I didn't hate her at all. I LOVE HER and I MISSED HER. I bawled some more.
A short time before I cut her, I cut another friend for doing, pretty much, the same thing that friend 1 did. The thought of friend 2 dying was just wayyyy too much for me. That night, I sent a private message on FB to her. She was so receptive to someone who didn't deserve a chance: me. We are friends again.
Yesterday was friend 1's funeral. I thought I had the crying done until I walked into this school where the funeral was. There was a couple of people at the entry door and one was holding a box of Kleenex. I assumed she was there to help others get seated, etc and the Kleenex was for anyone who needs them so I didn't hesitate to take 3-4 of them as I started bawling again. In hindsight, she could've just been a person there for the funeral and the box was hers....and I just helped myself. Oh well. If it was a personal box, I hope she understands.
As I walked to the back seating (it was a full house) slobbering away, I saw a police officer in uniform sitting alone. Then I saw his patch (department) and realized who it was. It was another PO that used to be at the dept I was a cadet at. This PO was probably one of the best PO's I have ever had the privilege of working with. I hadn't seen him in 20 years and seeing him brought a sense of "relief", so to speak. Comfort in numbers? He didn't recognize me, but I told him who I was, he got right up and hugged me. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you what that meant to me. I am a cold-hearted bitch on the outside, but inside, I love..and I love with all my being. This man was of a a "group" of POs that kind of hung together. I had been on many outings with the group...barhopping, etc. They were tight, amazing people, and a group I truly admired from a professional standpoint and a personal standpoint. That PO I saw sitting at the funeral said, "I saw you walking in and I thought, "I hope she doesn't sit next to me because she is already crying!"" I laughed and took a seat with the friend I went with and my daughter behind him. Then I saw 2 more people walk in and headed towards the back where we were. It was another PO I worked with and his wife (whom I was also friends with back in the day). I hadn't seen them for like 17 years. They, as well, didn't recognize me but the PO didn't hesitate to hug me when he saw me. During the funeral, I heard him crying. I couldn't stop crying. Even my daughter, who was only like 7 when she saw the deceased last, was bawling. It was such an incredibly sad event. We saw 2 others that worked for the dept that I knew. It may seem strange to say, but there as a lot of comfort in that. And then we had to go home.
I had so much emptiness after leaving the funeral. Even at home that night, I still felt....empty. I was sad and I didn't feel "complete". I chalked it up to being extremely tired (it was a very early day) and having an emotionally exhausted day. And then, even after I slept 12 hours, I woke up still empty. Still sad and really wanting to see the people I saw yesterday again. I missed them, too...I miss my job in law-enforcement. I walked away from it in 2000 because of a bad experience (really bad dept) when I moved away. I went back to radio broadcasting and walked away from that when my daughter was born. I have isolated myself partly by choice and partly by circumstance and I hate it. What I wouldn't give for a complete redo with so many things.
I took so much away from the minister's sermon yesterday not only about life, but about my friend. I have started to make some changes in my life to help control my RA...those changes, unexpectedly, have led to other positive results. Between that and the sermon yesterday, I am motivated to live the best life I can. To be the best person I can. The RA treatment doesn't make me immune to some other impacts of RA, but I want to do the best I can do under the circumstances. My friend left a huge mark on this Earth....I want to do that, as well...just as my friend did.
