When the Past Changes in the Future

When I was in elementary school (and some middle school), my entire summer vacations were spent at my grandparents' home. They lived a few hours from us on an 80 acre farm. The house was the nicest one in the majority of the township....2 story, 4 bedrooms, huge picture window in the front...2 bathrooms. For its 1970 build, it was pretty extravagant. I would be there the weekend school got out until 2 weeks before school started.

I would spend a lot of time following my grandpa around. He was a carpenter by day and farmer by night and weekends. In fact, he built the house and all outbuildings (with the exception of the old barn). I rode the haywagon when they were baling hay. I went shopping with my grandma many days, too. Sometimes we'd go to the House of Flavors (ice cream parlor) for lunch (that was a true favorite) or we'd go to a local (state) chain which focused on mostly homemade food. When I was in 4th grade, she took me to a REAL jewelry store to get my ears pierced. Of course, that was before places like Claire's, etc existed. Every Sunday, we'd take a drive somewhere. It didn't matter where. Sometimes we'd drive a half hour or so to a neighboring small town. No matter where we went, my grandpa always made sure we stopped at the local ice cream joint (usually a soft serve place like Dairy Queen, but this was before Dairy Queen, I believe). I had amazing grandparents. I was super-spoiled, but at the same time, I was expected to help with dishes, vacuum, beds, and even mow. I wasn't worked to death..I just needed to help. Whenever my grandpa went to put gas in the car at night (so we'd have it the next day), I'd go and I'd come home with a few things of candy.

My grandfather died in 1990 when I was 18. My grandmother and my uncle (unmarried and farmed) stayed in the house. It went into some disrepair because my uncle wasn't handy and my grandma (probably) didn't want to spend the money. I don't really don't know the reasoning. It wasn't an eyesore and everything was still neat as a pin on the grounds. It was still the nicest one in the Township (it is kind of a redneck, backwoods area).

My grandmother died in 2011. My mother had control of the estate and she sold the house and land. This is a whole other story from hell, but it was sold to someone who lives a few miles from them and also farms. I haven't been back by it since 2012 when all the closing of the house went through, but thanks to Google Maps, I was able to go street-level and see the view I always saw from the road and even coming down the road to it. It was just over a hill....and it stood out like a sore thumb. The anticipation of of going to my grandma's was always immense.

To this day, the street-level view is the same. It says it is from 2009. I am so thankful for that (ten years later) because the satellite view isn't as pleasant. It just looks like it is really run down (not surprising with the type of person that bought it). I would be absolutely devastated to see it in shambles in person and from street level. My heart aches enough as it is seeing it from the satellite view. It looks like much of the barbed-wire/electric fencing has been taken down. The dirt road that went to the back has changed its path. It's so hard to see something that was always a constant (and a great one, at that) change...it's like erasing everything of my past and I REALLY don't like that. Yes, I always have that experience in my head and I will hold on fiercely to it, but seeing it changed...left to go into more disrepair....it's like spitting on a grave.

I miss my grandparents...still....and fiercely. I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to handle seeing that 80 acres for what it is today be it in person or via Google.

I am watching a PBS Christmas fundraiser thing hosted by Marion Ross and Gavin MacLeod (from Love Boat). As they conversed, I heard one ask, "What was your favorite Christmas gift as a child?". That sent me thinking about Christmases when I was a child. I don't know if I have a favorite gift, per se, but I have one of my most favorite moments.

At my grandmother's house on Christmas, we never did gifts until the evening...I have no idea why, but it was just the way it was. This would all take place after the big formal dinner which was late afternoon-ish. Then, after dinner, you get the damn Christmas desert and coffee and lots of chatter at the table. It was a killer for me. The pure agony of having to wait longer was unbearable. One Christmas, my grandfather and left the table and went into the formal living room. It was a room with a large Curtis Mathis TV and beautiful live Christmas Tree. One dared NOT to eat or drink in that room or even walk in it with shoes on. Anyway, my grandfather sat in a LaZboy chair and put the foot rest up and laid it back. One thing I wanted more than ANYTHING when I was a kid was a record player. Of course, in the 70s, that was the thing (unless you had an 8 track player) and even into the 80s before cassettes were big. I was dying I was so anxious, but still in the formal dining room was chatter. My grandpa's eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn't sleeping. I got really close to him and whispered to him. "Grandpa". He answered with a "what?". I said, "Grandpa....what's in the packages?" He laughed and wouldn't tell me. I said, "Grandpa!!! Did I get a record player??". It was like he couldn't contain his excitement, either. He shook his head, smiled really big, and said, "Yes!". Sure enough, when the chatter stopped in the dining room and everyone gathered into the living room, I did, indeed, get my record player. Along with it, was a Disco Mickey record!


I don't think I will ever forget that moment with my grandfather <3

Schools Should REALLY Examine Themselves.....

Before we moved out here to BFE, we were in a wealthier district. There were about 250 kids per grade so it wasn't small, but it sure wasn't inner-city ghetto, either. Of course, those teachers were INSANE liberals (over the top), but they have been in the district for a long time and were great (most of the time) with kids. Parental support was amazing. I remember when one of the elementary schools had to stagger holiday party days because they couldn't accommodate all the cars (from parents) in their parking lot at one time! They have (ok...HAD because MSTEP has taken them down as it has other schools) amazing test scores, high graduation rates, a VERY successful football team, and their band is heavily involved in competitions, etc.

We moved to a smaller district that is kind of rural. There are about 70 kids in a grade. You would think this district would have it easy to be successful, but...it's not successful by any means. In fact, their graduation rate is one of the lowest in our tri-county area. This is the arm-pit of the county filled with mostly blue-collar families (which isn't necessarily good or bad) and a 40% rate of students eligible to receive free or discounted lunches. Their football team hasn't one game in YEARS. In fact, this past fall, one area team who went to state finals pulled out of their date to play our school. LOL They would've STEAMROLLED our team. Instead, they chose to play an equal team that was more their league. LOLOL Their basketball team sucks. This is one of those schools you NEVER see on sports news on the local TV stations.

And then there is the band. Good God, I just cannot wrap my mind around this. The director is nice enough, for sure. In fact, he meshes so well with these kids. However, this band sucks, too. I am not even kidding. I remember hearing them for one of the first times. They played a piece that was a popular song and has a pretty decent moving tempo. This band played it slower. WHY????? WHYY!!!!!!!! It may be the same reason they play Sleigh Ride at a crawling tempo, as well. It's TOO HARD for these kids to play it where it SHOULD be played. Quite honestly, I don't know if this band could play ANYTHING as it should be. I think there are a NUMBER of issues going on here. Aside from the fact this school is just an unsuccessful school, you have to look at the demographics. When you attend a school function, you are going to find camo clothing as if it were the latest and greatest fad. I am sure none of them have ever heard of the name Mary Kay. I saw one guy come to a function in his WADERS. W A D E R S..... AND the whole 9 yards with the overalls.
I think it was the same night I saw another fuck who thought it was ok to bring their large dog. Nope. Not a service dog..just their damn pet. Unreal. So, anyway, you have a high amount of brainless rednecks who brag about the fact their 3rd great-grandparents also went to this school. These people are born and raised here and never LEAVE. They quit school to do backyard mechanics...I swear. Parents don't care about their kids here. So there is problem one. Then let's look at the staff. I truly believe in the trickle-down theory. Do you think staff is going to give a shit if parents don't? Perhaps. But that goes away quickly when you have to deal with these dirtbags. Eventually, teachers don't care. In fact, this school district has a HIGH turnover rate. My daughter started high school this year and had no spanish teacher. Nope. Not one. I think middle school was missing a science teacher (or maybe that was high school...or I wouldn't be surprised if it were BOTH!). They lost a math teacher after only 2 years. I've heard rumors teachers have walked off their job in this district (before we got here). They have a teacher who doubles as an athletic coach. This teacher has read a student's doctor notice to the entire team....clearly, violating HIPAA. We've been out here for three years and we've had three different principals..LOLOL You get the point.

Back to band. Yes, this is going to be a "when I was in band in school" moment. Band was NOT a blow-off class back in the 80s. In fact, one year, I had a written final exam. That aside, we did testing. We were expected to know the music...LEARN the music and PRACTICE the music. You then were TESTED on this music and subsequently placed in the appropriate chair. It was based on ability. Even after placement, you could easily challenge the chair ahead of you to try and take their chair! Bottom line is...we were given a reason to practice. We were motivated to do well because we wanted higher chairs (fun fact: I was first chair and nobody challenged me...;0)). Now I KNOW, I am not director here in this school, but this band is NOT put into chairs. I've been told they don't even do testing. SOOOOO...do they get grades just for showing up??? Is that how that works? No wonder these kids suck. They have no reason TO DO well and they don't WANT to do well. It's all disgusting to me. They don't do competitions, either. They do festival and that's it. That's ALL! Oh, they do go to Disney every 4 years forcing parents to try and raise nearly 2000 dollars so their non-caring kid can take a joyride to Florida. The SAME DISTRICT THAT HAS A HIGH POVERTY RATE. This band has a decent amount of money in their checkbook. Enough to send EVERY kid to Florida, but that's not the point. If parents weren't forking out this large ass check, this band could go somewhere EVERY YEAR and it would be a helluva lot easier to swallow that price tag over Florida. But nooooo......there is a hard-on for Disney and these music classes their for a band that SUCKS and DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT about band! It's unreal. But, who am I?

Tonight, my daughter and I went to a neighboring districts concert. This band (all three we heard) was JAW-DROPPING. I nearly fell out of my chair! Even the middle school was remarkable. My daughter kept whispering me, "Take me. I don't care what chair I am in....I need to be here". I told her, "You better really think about this because these kids could be shittier (as in bitchy/bullies/etc than what you are already exposed to". She didn't seem to care. The district we went to tonight is comparable to the one we left three years ago. It's a wealthier area, but does tend to get inner-city kids because they are closer. It's probably as large as our old district, but the parental support and turnout is outstanding. Clearly, someone is doing something right in this music program because these kids are extremely talented.

When You Don't Fit the School.....

My daughter is heavily into band as I was when I was in high school (yea, eons ago). She is taking private lessons with a doctorate student at MSU and let me tell you, her lesson teacher is AMAZINGLY talented.

The high school we are in doesn't have a great music program. The band director is nice enough...he's very good with the kids, but this band is TERRIBLE. I hate saying that because it's a group my daughter plays in, but in today's world, there is no reason to as bad as they are. The band director does not put these kids into chairs....at least not based on ability/talent. He does it mostly by seniority. That means, even if you are better than a senior, it generally wont' matter because you will still get a lower part and chair. I don't think this band director even does testing. I mean, what would be the point if he isn't going to put them in chairs by ability, anyway? I wonder how he decides grades for report cards. Interesting. We have contemplated leaving the school district and doing school of choice. There is a similar school (same socio-economic demographics...lower and higher poverty) that has a GREAT band! I saw some of their YouTube videos of their marching performances AND their concert performances. They are outstanding. I would NOT send my child there, either, due to the same type of school, though (our district it just bad, though very, very small). There is another district that is about 8 miles away that is a higher-socioeconomic area. It is a wealthier area, for sure, and they, as well, have an amazing band. I've heard great things about them, as well. The only problem I'm concerned about is how it might be from a social standpoint for my daughter. She is in 9th grade and the district is pretty big. That's a tough age. But, as I explained to my daughter, if you want to be a music major in college, you've GOT to be in a great program in high school. I didn't have that luxury. I didn't go to a ghetto school or a smaller rural school...we were class C and I had about 130 kids in my class. We weren't as bad as my daughter's school is, but the priority in our school district was athletics and not music...at all. So when I got to college and auditioned for their marching band, I BARELY made it. At the college level, students march backwards, forwards, sideways, and all different kinds of funky ways that I never did. It was tough so I truly believe that a successful music program would be very beneficial for that high school student.

Anyway, I attended my first band booster meeting tonight. Let's just say, I TRULY don't fit in with these people AT ALL. I had my hair done, makeup on, I had on nice jeans, a cute mock turtleneck sweater, earrings, penny loafers. These people didn't. Some looked like they crawled out of bed. But, I wouldn't expect much more from this community. Hell, I saw some loser take a pet DOG to a performance. I saw another at a performance that had waders (like rubber boots) up to their knees. That's great if that is part of your job, but you don't change your clothes before you go to a show? It's not my thing. I do not fit in with these people. It was still very interesting to be in this meeting. They have a shitload of money in their general fund for a district that sees a 40% rate for free/reduced lunches. What they do with it, I have no idea because they are not spending it on competitions or anything like that. I asked if they had ever given scholarships to students so they could attend Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp or Interlochen (kids who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend). You know what they said to me? "well, we've never done that in the past". OK..well, never mind then. They also go to Disney every 4 years. That trip will cost each student 1200 PLUS spending money (estimated at 500 bucks). They shove all these fundraiser at these kids and tell them to go sell candles and seeds (to plant). Yea, right. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't want that garbage. ' With the money they have, they could go somewhere EVERY YEAR and perform versus every 4 years at Disney. No, my child is not going. All you have to do is Google Dean Transportation bus driver and you will find a number of reasons why my kids do not ride their school buses AND WILL NEVER take one of their charter busses anywhere....especially on a few thousand mile trip down 75 the week of spring break. PASS.

I don't get it, but this school doesn't exactly share my values or care to hear other ideas. If my daughter does want to go on to be a music major, we are absolutely going to have to utilize school of choice and get her into a better music program.

Your Past May Not Be What You Thought It Was

My heart is so heavy right now. It's no secret that I used to spend my entire summer vacations as a kid at my grandparents'. They lived on 80 acres of pure farmland. I was spoiled to a degree, for sure, but I was always expected to "stay in line". That meant that I was to help with dishes, mowing, making beds, etc. It's what EVERY kid my age did back then. We didn't know entitlement. We knew DISCIPLINE. As much as you wouldn't think it would be a good time, it sure was, for the most part. I was so soooo blessed to have been able to do that. My grandfather died when I was 18 in 1990. It was the first real close death I experienced and since then, I've had a number of deaths I've had to deal with. Probably one of the most impactful death I had to experience was 8 years ago. That was my grandmother. She was 89. When she was in ICU (this is another long story from hell), I never left her side unless I had to eat or get sleep. I held her hand (she was non-responsive) and I talked to her and recited so many memories I had. My grandma got my ears pierced when I was maybe 4th grade. We always went to this one bakery (it was the best) for bread. We would frequent the Ben Franklin Dime Store and go to lunch after. One summer, my grandma gave me the money from her garage sale so I could buy my very first 10 speed bike. That was a HUGE deal as a kid back in the 80s.



I rode tractors with my grandfather, rode on hay wagons when it was time to bale hay...and perhaps my favorite was to walk the woods at the end of the 80 acres to check fences (cattle used to go into the woods). Every Sunday, my grandma, grandpa, and I would take a drive somewhere. It could be 10 miles down the road or 45 minutes down the rode...we always went somewhere. Usually, that "somewhere" had an ice cream joint like Dairy Queen. Of COURSE, my grandpa insisted on stopping. He was always great like that! Summer nights were filled with the sounds of Detroit Tigers baseball games on TV with the TV turned out towards the screened in porch. I'd hear the baseball game and the bug zapper simultaneously. It really didn't get any better than that.

It was no wonder that I had this overwhelming need to make sure I got everything out of that house when my grandma died. I had to have the cuckcoo clock that always ticked 24 hours a day (It was my great-great aunt's). I had to have ALL the old pictures. I took her Mix Master, the Blue Ridge dishes, her jewelry, the afghan that her neighbor made before I was born (but always used it as a kid). I had to have the stupid knick knacks she had, her wedding pictures, the penny kettle on top of the refrigerator, the old lock box (which turned out to be a gold mine of original civil war papers of my great-great grandfather). If it reminded me of my childhood, I took it. In hindsight, I wish I would've taken more. I hold hard and fast to the things I love the most.

Then tonight. My parents went out of town to a bed and breakfast for Thanksgiving. They've done this for the past few years despite my protests. It hurts to see them leave. But tonight. Tonight, my husband told me he talked with my mother early Thursday morning. My husband told me she told my mother we invited my uncle over for dinner (he has late-onset schizophrenia and is highly odd, but doing much better since he has started working a job). Apparently, my mother was happy we were doing that. But then...my mother told him WHY she leaves. Supposedly, she didn't have a great childhood. Apparently, my grandmother could be very mean and I "have no idea what went on". This was extremely overwhelming to hear. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to even react. My grandmother was mean? I don't know that I've seen my grandmother exactly "mean" when I lived there all summer. My grandma would sometimes tease me about my weight in a "joking" way. She would even say to me (and in a more negative tone), "You look just like your dad". That one probably impacted me the most. My biological dad was a drunken dead-beat. I knew him since I was maybe 10, but he was mostly in and out of my life. Being told I look just like him sent me the message that it wasn't a good thing so I truly felt shitty. Still, it wasn't enough for me to hate my grandma...it wasn't enough for me to not be at her side in ICU (my mother wasn't...but I think that was mostly because she couldn't emotionally handle it). It wasn't enough for me to leave her own cherished possessions inside a house being sold. It wasn't enough for me to not love her. ...and I did....and I did hard.

I am not sure how to handle this. I am so sad and I am scared that knowing may tarnish the way I feel about my grandparents. It would change EVERYTHING that I loved dearly. I'd have to take them off my lock screen and background. Maybe I wouldn't feel like I would have to if I actually knew what all of this meant. But what if id DID mean that?? I'm sad. I am soooo sad over this. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it IS something. Maybe.

I Love a Schizophrenic

My mother's side of the family wasn't terribly affectionate. I really never noticed this as a kid because I always got hugs and kisses as most kids do. It's no surprise that my mother isn't that affectionate (never has been...) and my uncle (her brother) NEVER has been that I recall. My uncle also has late on-set Schizophrenia (started in his 40s, maybe). Although he hasn't formally been diagnosed (and obviously not medicated), it is very obvious that it is a paranoid type as he talks about "the voices" and "THEY did this". He rarely could hold an actual conversation up until he started working in the real world a few years ago. Since having more contact with other people, he's been more "normal", so to speak, but today, he came over for dinner. My parents went to out of town for Thanksgiving. They love going to this amazing bed and breakfast so it was just us here (my kids, my husband, and me). We invited my uncle over. He was very talkative which I just loved seeing. He watched football with my husband and even talked with my kids (12 and 15). My kids, like all siblings, have their love/hate moments and today, it was a hate moment. They bicker back and forth and take stabs at each other until they are blue in the face. I had to put my foot down and threaten to take their electronics away. They stopped, but NOTHING..and I mean NOTHING...could prepare me for what I witnessed next. My uncle bent down to my son's level (he was sitting in a chair) and put a hand on his back. He said, "You only have one sister....and one day you are going to love her as much as I love mine." Mic drop. I think my heart stopped for a moment.

Re-Do Shuffle

(11/13/2019 (So, I thought I would re-do this one to maybe update the random shuffle) >>>Day one consists of randomly shuffling tunes on my iphone up to 10...and what I feel about them. ALWAYS up for talking about music!! :)

1. If I'm Not in Love With You-Faith Hill. OK..seriously. Why is this on my phone? I am not a fan of her. Time to get rid of it. Kathy Troccoli's version is much better (and older).

2. If You Leave by OMD. Classic 80s tune from the movie Pretty in Pink. Two of my teachers took a couple of us to see the movie one Saturday. It was awesome!!

3. Days Are Numbers by The Allan Parsons Project. Yea, remember this one? It isn't one you hear anymore ANYWHERE. I liked it when it was current and then one summer (1987), I went to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. This was back when they had tents and if you didn't get your app in early enough, you were stuck in the tents. In complete hindsight, the tents were THE BEST. They were sturdy with actual floors. Anyway...I was in my tent one day and I heard a girl next to our tent playing this on her clarinet. She had me at Alan Parsons Project and she became my best friend at camp.

4. Somewhere in the Night by Barry Manilow. So, let's be honest here. Being a Manilow fan in today's world is NOT common unless you are a bit older. When I was 6 (1978), I LOVED playing with the record player and I put my mother's "Greatest Hits" album by Barry on that record player FREQUENTLY. If you are familiar with this album, then you know there is a GREAT picture of him in the middle of the album (it opens like a book). As a 6 year old, I absolutely DID kiss that picture!!! Sorry, not sorry! :)


5. I'm So Excited by The Pointer Sisters. This became a favorite when I started working for CK105 in Flint. The night before my first day, I cranked this tune. To this day, it reminds me of my first day at that station. Great times!


6. Cold As Ice by Foreigner. We all know Foreigner is a GREAT band! This song became a favorite in 1987 when I was at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. I was not placed in a cabin, but in their tents. The tents weren't like the ones you would go camping in. They were VERY roomy and made with a very, very, heavy canvas. The wooden floor was thick and sat up off the ground. It was very roomy and we never had problems with being too hot (like the cabins), weren't as filthy as the cabins...it was a COMPLETE blast! Anyway, one morning after we our morning rehearsal, my friend and I had headed back to our tent to get a short nap in before we had to go to our next class. My little clock radio alarm went off when we had to get up and this song was the one that was playing. We laughed and laughed because, that morning, it WAS VERY cold for July!!! Hey..we were 9th graders. We were easily entertained.


7. Hold Me Til The Morning Comes by Paul Anka. You know how you hear music when you are in a grocery store or dept store or the like?? This is where I heard this song for the first time. I was working in a deli at a grocery store when I was like 20 years old. That is how I became aware of this tune and quite honestly, I don't know that I've heard it anywhere else other than there (or on a SiriusXM channel). I loved this instantly! Peter Cetera's background vocals truly made this one even more awesome. Call me a geek. This isn't the only song I've come to know and love courtesy of the overhead music in that store! Gloria Estefan's "I See Your Smile" was another that became a fave.


8. What Kind Of Man Would I Be by Chicago. Chicago is one of my all-time favorites! I saw them in concert 16 years ago and although they were old men now, they were absolutely AMAZING. A big draw is their use of actual band instruments...trumpet, trombone, etc. This one became a favorite when I was going out with a particular person when I was in high school. I've got to say that he was probably my very first love. Although I never see him anymore nor have I talked to him in maybe 18 years (and that was brief), he will always have a special place in my memories.




9. Sweet Life by Paul Davis. It's an old song, but it became a MUST when my daughter turned one. I put together a slideshow of her through the first year and this was one of the songs I had in the background of that slideshow. The lyrics are just too close to home and it will ALWAYS remind me of her.


10. Jump by Kris Kross. 1992!! I swear the 90s were full of some amazing music! I recall one day I was sitting in the car when my mother ran into a store. I was 20 years old. It was a beautiful sunny day and I had the window completely down with this one cranked. I looked up and about 15 feet away from me was a store employee gathering shopping carts from the parking lot. This kid started dancing in a hip hop way and singing along with the music like I was doing!! LOL I want to be 20 again!!